A Classy Wine Review

Here at Handmade I try to stay upper crust, pinky-lifted, East Hampton marble-mouthed.  In that spirit I present the first (and possibly last) wine review.  Being poured today is a lovely Trader Joe’s Central Coast Sauvignon Blanc.  Upon the first release of the cork the wine exhales a vapor not unlike…wine.  Leaping forth from the neck of the bottle it hits the side of the glass like urine making a bank shot into a urinal.  Giving it a quick swirl, alcohol legs drape down the sides like spiders descending on threads toward an unsuspecting grasshopper.  When you lift the glass to your nose the first experience is redolent of sticking your nose in a wine glass like an anteater thrusting its snout in a termite mound.  But wait!  Do not drink the wine through your nose!  Take a small sip, slosh it around your mouth like Listerine, inhale while holding it cupped in your tongue, and try not to choke as your breath it deep into your lung tissue.  Ahh!  My first taste reminded me of the time I drank battery acid served down a chilled trough carved into a wedge of Vermont slate.  Bracing!  Regarding the tasting notes on the bottle, I find that gooseberry really tastes like burning tire, and tropical fruits and herb notes may be a vintner’s euphemism for the emerald green mush you scrape from lawnmower blades.  But, you ask, does the wine improve after oxygenation?  Much like an apple pie chilled in the icebox, does this wine taste better on the second day?  No.  This wine has as much mineral as a gemologists convention but little fruit taste.  Verdict:  4.5 out of 10.

TJ wine


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